caregiver guilt

My young friend who owns his own business, has three little girls and is the primary caregiver for his grandmother collapsed last week. He had been pushing himself way to hard for way to long, and then he had several clients who all needed big projects completed at the same time, so he pulled a number of all-nighters. One day I asked him if he had slept the night before, and he said, “Sleep? Who needs it?”

Apparently, he does. A visit to Urgent Care turned into a trip to the Emergency Room and a diagnosis of pneumonia and severe dehydration. The doctor gave him a prescription and strict orders to go home, rest, take his medication and drink lots and lots of fluids. He was told if he tried […]

I am always delighted when I find humor in unexpected places and situations. On Friday, after getting off the plane in Phoenix, we stopped at Costco before heading to our family reunion in Sedona.

We were buying food for 15 people for 7 days. The list was long, and we were hungry, so we ordered a sandwich and sat down in the cafeteria. We watched watched an older woman limp toward the condiments bar, and commented to each other that the poor old soul was obviously in a lot of pain.

To our surprise, when she turned around, we read the front of her T-shirt. It said, “Smile if you aren’t wearing undies”. Alex and I laughed out loud. We complimented her […]

While it’s true that we don’t always get what we want, I do believe that we almost always find what we’re looking for.

When I first started writing this blog, I made a list of a couple dozen words that I thought would be appropriate. When I got close to the end of the list, I started to worry about whether I’d be able to continue to find a new word every day. I started Caregiver Help Word of the Day on Thanksgiving Day, 2013, and so far I haven’t been stumped. I think it may be because every morning when I wake up I start looking for something to share with you in everything I read, and in every experience and interaction […]

Yesterday Alex and I flew to Arizona for our Sanchez Kid & Grandkid Family Reunion in Sedona. On the plane I sat next to a very nice young man. Just making conversation, I asked if Phoenix was his final destination. He said, “No. I’m going to Orange County, California.” When I asked, “What’s taking you there?” He said, “Do you really want to know? His name is David. He’s 21 years old and he’s addicted to meth. He is headed to a residential rehab facility. He said he is going there to get clean because he wants to stop doing damage to himself and to others. I told David we’ve had family members who have suffered with addictions […]

I was sad a few weeks ago when I heard that Maya Angelou had died. I had the opportunity on two different occasions to hear her speak in person. The first time I was in a group of less than 50 attendees. The last time I saw her there were 3,000 people in the room. Both times I felt like she was talking just to me.

If I could only use one word to describe her, that word would be powerful. She was also incredibly gracious. I will never forget this one particular quote. She said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Every interaction we have with another person is a two-way street, and […]

While I was waiting for Alex during his procedure at the pain management clinic a few days ago, another couple came into the waiting room. The woman was soft-spoken and only said kind things, but everything about her actions screamed, “I despise you!” to her husband.

Granted, he was a little loud and his behavior bordered on obnoxious. The initial impression he made was not favorable, but I was amazed at how his wife’s non-verbal behavior filled the room with tension. As they sat side by side, she focused so intently on her iPad, that I got the impression she would have liked to crawl inside of it. When her husband spoke or asked her a question, she answered in a kind tone, but she also sighed, rolled her eyes […]

When I went for a walk yesterday, I noticed a little yellow flower growing out of a crack in a concrete wall. I have always been fascinated by the life force that enables a plant to grow in the least favorable conditions.

However, I looked at that little plant a bit differently as I compared it to my own situation. I realized it will not thrive in that environment for very long without adequate soil, water and fertilizer – just as I won’t thrive if I don’t get back into my exercise routine.

My work, travel and family schedule has been extremely hectic for the past few months, and I’ve let self-care slide. I started back to my exercise class on Monday, and it is kicking my butt!

There are […]

When my alarm went off at 5:30, I stayed in bed for a few extra minutes and prayed that God would guide the doctor this morning when Alex arrived at the pain management clinic for another round of steroid injections in his back.

The last few treatments haven’t worked. It’s hard to know whether the doctor hasn’t hit the right spot or if Alex’s back has deteriorated to the point that the treatments are no longer going to be effective in alleviating his pain.

I also prayed that I would be guided in keeping our marriage balanced and happy. I asked for help managing the relationships with our children, family members and friends. In addition, I asked for guidance in my speaking and writing.

Maintaining emotional, mental and spiritual equilibrium […]

Yesterday Alex and I graded our students’ final papers for the course we co-teach at Western Oregon University. One student wrote about her mother’s experience of caring for a special needs child. This is what she said:

“My best way to define caregiving for a special needs child is this; the more we serve, the more we love. So by the very nature of the situation, when you have a special needs child, you have to serve so much more than you do with a child that’s independent and can do for themselves. So through that sacrifice of serving, you love deeply. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. It just happens. It’s not that I love her more than you or your brother, it’s just different. The offset […]

When my three brothers from Kansas called to say they were coming for a visit, I was pleased but a little nervous. The last time all four of us were together was in 2002 when we met at the attorney’s office after Mom died. That was an excruciatingly painful experience, and we’ve had limited contact since then.

I knew their main purpose for coming to Oregon was to see our 87-year-old Aunt Jean, but I invited them to stay with us.

Here’s what happened . . . We acknowledged that the years after Dad’s stroke were painful. None of us defended, explained or apologized for anything that happened. We avoided conversations about politics and religion. Everyone was kind and thoughtful, and we found common ground.

My oldest brother Larry said, […]